


Never Good Enough

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, TW: implied eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24806482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Chimney finds out that Maddie has joined a gym and got a personal trainer without telling him - which wouldn't have been weird, if she wasn't acting so embarrassed about the entire thing.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	Never Good Enough

Maddie blushes with embarrassment, shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other as she watches her personal trainer walking away, hand-in-hand with her boyfriend. She can already feel Chimney’s eyes on her, but she decides to carry on walking instead, “Maddie, wait!”

There’s concern in his voice, edged with confusion, causing her to bite down on her bottom lip. “It’s really not a big deal, Chimney, she’s just a personal trainer.”

“I didn’t even know you joined a gym, why would you hide that from me?”

Maddie finally pauses when his hand is on her arm and she sighs, knowing she didn’t tell him because quite simply, she hadn’t _wanted_ him to know. “I don’t understand what the problem is?”

He’s got that look in his eyes, as though he knows something is wrong but he can’t quite put his finger on it, “The _problem_ , Maddie, is that you didn’t tell me. Why the big secret?”

“It’s not a secret, I just didn’t tell you.” Her tone is defensive, her arms folding before she steps back. She can feel the way her face is heating up, and her eyes swarm with unshed tears. She’s embarrassed, she doesn’t want to admit to him that she’s terrified he’ll leave her. She’s seen him naked a dozen times, he walks around the apartment completely unashamed – the right amount of cocky because he knows he has a good body, he knows she enjoys running her hands over his abs, she adores pressing her lips to his strong arms.

She still insists on having the lights off and sleeping next to him fully dressed.

And she knows most of that is her problem, not his. It’s been embedded deep inside of her, for as long as she can remember – she’s just not good enough. Not good enough for him, not good enough full stop. She looks in the mirror and she hates what she sees. She can still, at times, see Doug standing over her shoulder, his hands running down her body as he whispers everything that’s wrong with her. So often and so many times until she starts saying them aloud to herself.

“Hey, okay, you don’t have to tell me anything. Just-I hope you’re doing it for the right reasons, okay? Not because you think you, like need to.” She can tell he feels awkward saying it, but it still doesn’t stop her from flinching before she hastily wipes at a tear that escapes despite her best attempts to stop it.

“Do you think I need to?”

He seems shocked by the question, quickly shaking his head, she can see the panic crossing his face before he steps forward. “I don’t but it doesn’t matter what I think. I think you’re perfect just the way you are, I think you’ll be perfect anyway you are. But I am worried you might… be hiding a part of yourself from me?”

He’s perfect, in every single way possible and it should be enough right then for her to drop the defensive stance she’s taken. But all she can think about is how he’s perfect in every way possible and she’s so completely opposite. Quite simply, she’s just… not good enough.

Doug had reminded her of that enough. Did she really think she was good enough to live up to the Kendall name? She needed to do better, be better, she needed to be _perfect_.

“I-I just… can we drop it? Please?”

Chimney hesitates, his mouth opening and then closing before he nods his head, and then quickly shakes it. “I-I don’t want to push you to talk to me, Maddie but I don’t think I can drop it. I think something is bothering you and—you should be able to tell me? Or maybe not me, but Frank? Buck? I just need to know you’re talking to someone, anyone-even if it’s not me…”

Her bottom lip is quivering and she tries so damn hard to stop the tears from falling but they do anyway, “Can we just go, please?” It’s not what he wants to hear, it’s not really what she wants to say but he nods his head anyway and goes to reach for her hand, only for her to flinch away.

“Okay, it’s okay. I’ll take you home, okay? You don’t have to do or say anything you don’t want to. You’re okay.” She’s only half relieved when he moves to walk away without attempting to touch her again, not able to shake the feeling that once again, she’s let him down.

Why can’t she ever be good enough?


End file.
